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If I Call You Do Not Answer
During a job interview, a client of mine received a phone call. She answered.
A realtor friend told me that his broker expected him to answer every phone call he received, regardless of what he was doing; and, in no event, should he ever take more than 9 minutes to return a call.
The general manager at the hotel we stayed at took a phone call in the middle of a conversation we were having about my reservation.
We were at one of our favorite restaurants. Five women came in and sat down at the table next to us. Every one of them pulled out their smartphones and began to talk or text.
It is the paradox of connection: that the more our technology allows us to connect, the more disconnected and fragmented we become.
Research in the field of interruption science shows that, following an interruption like a phone call, it takes us (physiologically) 25 minutes to refocus. On average, most of us experience interruptions every 11 minutes in the day. Which means that, not only do we feel like we can never catch up, we never really can.
On top of the stress and overwhelm caused by living in a state of continuous partial attention, there is a huge relational cost. (You know how you feel when someone you’re with answers the phone or sneaks a look at a text.)
The young interviewee (of course) didn’t get the job. When my realtor friend takes a phone call while showing a property to a client, he dishonors both relationships. The general manager at the hotel couldn’t possibly take care of two guests at once. And the women at the table next to ours missed out on the opportunity to connect with one another.
So consider these ideas as possible ways to reconnect with yourself and those around you:
- Voice mail exists for a reason. Use it
- Turn your phone off when you are otherwise engaged
- Don’t slap your phone down on the table at the restaurant; it tells your colleagues you’re already distracted
- Don’t sleep with your phone; it’s toxic and depleting
- Have a smartphone-free dinner (or weekend!)
When you’re in a conversation with a client, be in that conversation. When you’re on the phone, be on the phone. When you’re with your friends and family, be with your friends and family.
Relationships fuel our businesses (and our lives). Our real presence, our complete attention: these are the most powerful gifts of our humanity.
Do one thing; and then the next. And if I call, you don’t need to answer.
Before The Clay Hardens
Nobody grasped you by the shoulder while there was still time. Now the clay of which you were shaped has dried and hardened, and naught in you will ever awaken the sleeping musician, the poet, the astronomer that possibly inhabited you in the beginning.
— Antoine de Saint-Exupery
No quote has troubled me more over the years than this one from Saint-Exupery’s Mountain Light: In Search of the Dynamic Landscape, Tenth-Anniversary Edition[email protected] )
When The Music Stopped
“For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ And whenever the answer has been ‘No’ for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.”
Steve Jobs
I remember the day as if it was yesterday.
A Saturday morning in early October.
7:00 am.
Clear and cool.
Through my hermetically sealed windows on the 18th floor, I could see the sun glistening on the Connecticut River.
The leaves of a glorious New England autumn on full display.
All of the glitz and glitter from graduating from law school, taking the bar exam, and starting out at a prestigious Big Firm had faded away.
The succession of 70 hour weeks and mandatory Saturdays had begun to wear me down.
I looked across my mahogany desk piled high with files to the credenza with my time sheets on which I marked the value of my existence in six minute increments.
I thought about the long day ahead.
I thought about the harvest festival fair that I’d miss with my kids.
This beautiful fall day that I’d spend working on a brief that would suck my soul.
And I asked out loud (to no one because no one was listening): Is this the way it will be for the next thirty or forty years?
Indeed, it was 25 years before I freed myself from what one therapist called “the golden handcuffs.”
Yes, I made a lot of money.
I got the corner office.
I got the nice car, and the sprawling house in the suburbs, and the big boat.
Yes, I’d become a “success.”
But I wasn’t happy.
Truth be told: It wasn’t easy to escape.
In fact, it was pretty scary.
But now, I wake up every single day, excited and on fire about the work I get to do.
I don’t have many regrets. But I do regret not having the courage to pivot sooner.
Because life is short. And joy is your birthright.
If your heart is telling you that it’s time for a new chapter, listen.
(The work I do is helping folks create their exciting next chapter. Email me when you’re ready to talk! [email protected] )
If You Were Not Afraid
I help mid-career professionals create their exciting next chapters.
My clients are amazingly diverse. They’ve enjoyed careers in myriad arenas. They are lawyers, doctors, allied health practitioners, mortgage brokers, realtors, and financial planners.
They’re ready for a change.
But there lies the problem.
Because change is scary.
My clients have made money, earned accolades, established reputations, and climbed their ladders of success.
And now are starting out anew.
Which can cause them to get stuck.
Here’s the question I ask: What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
They always know.
The question is valuable not only in career change, but at every inflection point in our lives: A new product or program; a book idea; some time away; a grand adventure; the possibility of a new relationship.
When you feel the fear, ask the question: What would I do if I weren’t afraid.
Then do that.
Fall and Bleed
“Don’t wish it was easier, wish you were better. Don’t wish for less problems, wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenge, wish for more wisdom.” –Jim Rohn
When Ann and I got together, she’d been a runner, and I’d been a mountain climber.
She said, “Honey, if I’m going to do this mountain climbing shit, you’re going to become a distance runner.”
I ran my first marathon with Ann at age 53; and together we’ve run six ultra-marathons since.
Ann has stood on four of the Seven Summits with me; and we’ve climbed big mountains together all around the world.
I got it in my head one day that it would be cool to combine the running thing and climbing thing. So I suggested that we begin to run trails.
Ann was resistant. “I don’t want to fall,” she said.
“Honey,” I replied, “You will fall; and you will bleed.”
Which annoyed her. A lot.
Since that time, we’ve run through the Andes, across the Grand Canyon, and up and down trails wherever we happen to be.
And… we have fallen and bled. A lot.
Because it comes with the territory.
Here’s the truth: Whenever you’re doing a new thing, whenever you push beyond your comfort zone, it’s hard.
Running, climbing, building a business, navigating a complicated deal, writing a book, building new relationships…
It’s hard work.
You will fall and you will bleed. Actually. Metaphorically. Sometimes both.
No one likes hard.
No one wants to fall and bleed.
But if you want a big life, it comes with the territory.
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